This is Empowerment — EndoBoss® Style
How To Step Away from Domestic Abuse & Emotional Mistreatment; Slowly, Safely and Securely.
So last few weeks were more sombre podcasts in which I attempted to explain the reality and mistreatment for some women and children behind closed doors in their own home.
While I normally like to offer a positive perspective of life by sharing all the incredible Endometriosis success stories, and be an upbeat and positive person, this subject has profoundly affected me, and many of the women I work have worked with.
So I felt that it was important to share what may be impairing and preventing the natural healing process of your Endometriosis and/or Adenomyosis conditions.
I have mentioned in the previous podcasts how I believe it is a combination of The 5 Ps’ (Poisons; Produce, Products, Property, Past & People) that make Endometriosis such a challenge to address.
I believe it is the toxicity element of ‘people’ in particular, that may inadvertently and subconsciously, be affecting the immune system without a woman’s awareness. This specific element of ‘people’ took me many years, if not decades, to figure out, comprehend and accept.
Emotional mistreatment and abuse was an element I overlooked and poorly understood, so therefore it delayed my healing and caused me great distress over decades.
This is why I share this vital information with you now, at whatever stage of your Endometriosis healing journey that you are now on.
I hope by sharing my insights, and this podcast series, that it may help women to speed up their own healing process.
So today we take a more powerful stance and positive position by discussing empowerment.
‘Empowerment’ is a word bandied about with wanton regard for its true meaning, so let’s first look at the dictionary’s definition of empowerment.
The dictionary’s definition of empowerment is “the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one’s life and claiming one’s rights”.
For a woman to separate from abuse and to end the generations of mistreatment, it is essential to understand the origins of why you may have certain unhelpful or negative beliefs about yourself and why this attracts such toxic people in the first place.
So before we start to explore deeper at what empowerment is and how you can learn to embrace it, let’s look at the opposite meaning of empowerment; which is powerlessness.
Powerlessness doesn’t just happen to us.
Powerlessness is a learned behaviour; invariably learned out of basic survival in the family of origin that we grew up in.
In the context of our discussions, powerlessness may have occurred without any direct knowledge of it happening. It may have been a slow and corrosive process, designed by the toxic partner or family member, to erode your sense of identity with their intent to power over you and your life.
That is why emotional mistreatment and domestic abuse are so dangerously toxic.
What starts off as a little acceptance of your partner or family member to control over some aspects of your life (like finances for example), then before you know it, you may have lost total control, feel powerless, trapped and confused and beholden to them.
In my thirties, I had thought myself as a strong, independent woman who was astute and in control of her own life, thoughts and feelings.
Therefore, it came as a shock to me, to wake up years later in a highly toxic relationship, be debilitated by Endometriosis and Adenomyosis, forced to windup my business, end up bedridden and close to death with near-total organ failure.
“How had this happened to me?!” I cried: for there was nothing tangible I could see or do to fight this.
I had little or no comprehension of the wicked web that had been weaved by the toxic people around me as they chipped away at my soul, my spirit and sense of self.
As Walter Scott proclaimed “O, what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive!”
Powerlessness, at that point of my life had become the result of sustained coercive abuse and emotional mistreatment.
I had always thought I was in control, but it was an illusion and one that cost me dearly.
What I had not appreciated was that subversive and coercive control is conducted by the toxic person below the level of consciousness.
It may come under the guise of “I was only joking” or “You are too sensitive”, or “You’re not wearing that are you?” and other derogatory remarks, that like drops of water hitting a stone, slow wear aware any sense of self.
The toxic person’s sole intent is to cause harm, power over you and detach you from your own identity.
I struggled with this concept.
I thought that if someone said they ‘loved’ me, then love was supposed to be kind and loving.
It never occurred to me that love was cruel.
It never occurred to me that love was more words.
Love was supposed to be followed up by the actions and the kind voice tone and the feeling of safety.
Yet, love never felt safe, secure or evident in any way to me.
Love always equalled pain.
Love always equalled insecurity.
Love always equalled drama and tears.
However, I would be blessed after the birth of my daughter and son, to realise what true unrequited, safe, nurturing and kind love was. (And that was because I was determined I would create, maintain and fight for that safe, loving love and environment for them).
I could not comprehend for a long time that a partner or family members would or could be so unkind ‘on purpose’ or set out to cause harm emotionally to another member.
Yet, if I was honest with myself, I was also aware that for as long as I could remember, I had felt worthless, ‘less than’, invisible and that somehow, I almost felt I ‘deserved’ the mistreatment and abuse.
As one lady recently commented on my Facebook post “we (women) have a tendency to believe that we don’t deserve any better, so a vicious cycle ensues and that has to change”.
I hope to help to be that change for you.
I worked hard for the life I have now, and it has been tough. It took much deep and honest exploration of my core beliefs about myself and their origins before I could make a long-lasting and impressionable change for me, for good.
It took me a while to change, and I hope that by sharing my journey, you can fast track your own change to recognising your own worth.
I think this story about the Elephant & Rope explains it best:-
A gentleman was walking through an elephant camp one day when he spotted that the elephants weren’t being kept in cages or held captive by the use of chains.
All that was holding them from escaping this camp was a small piece of rope tied to one of their legs and attached to a tiny spindly stick in the ground.
As the man gazed upon the elephants, he was completely confused as to why the elephants didn’t just use their strength to break the rope, pull the stick out and escape the camp.
They could easily have escaped, but instead, they didn’t try to at all.
Curious and wanting to know the answer, he asked a trainer nearby why the elephants were just standing there and never tried to escape.
The trainer replied;
“When the elephants are calves, very young, and much smaller, we use the same size rope to tie them and, at that age, it’s enough to hold them.
As they grow up, they are conditioned and come to believe they cannot break away.
They believe the rope and small stick can still hold them captive so they never try to break free.”
The gentleman realised that the only reason that the elephants weren’t breaking free and escaping from the camp and their captivity was that over time they had adopted the belief that it just wasn’t possible, they were trapped and never tried again.
The moral of the story is clear.
We are all a byproduct of our conditioning and upbringing.
Often, we are tied to old beliefs that we have outgrown (like the elephant), don’t give a true reflection of your own growth and could be broken if we find a safe, knowledgeable person to help us explore how to.
No matter how much the world or a person tries to hold you back, pursue your dreams for, there are possible to achieve with the right guidance.
It may be the old beliefs that are holding you back.
The same goes for toxic relationships.
It may be that you feel trapped and attached and unable to break free like the elephants in our story, but you are more powerful than you believe.
The same goes for Endometriosis and Adenomyosis.
Believing you can become pain-free and healthy is the first most crucial step in actually stepping forward into achieving it.
The next step is then learning empowering, positive and proactive safe ways to break free from the rope or ropes that are holding you back.
I understand that on this journey, many other women struggle with this cold hard reality and acceptance of those toxic people’s behaviour around them.
It is incomprehensible to many that behind the doors of many homes up and down the country and across many cultures and religions and across the seas, that women and children would be suffering from anxiety, fear, worry and constant emotional mistreatment — this over and above the physical pains and symptoms of Endometriosis and Adenomyosis.
This mistreatment doesn’t just affect women and children in the UK or USA or Europe.
I work with women all over the world, and it affects many women and shows up in different ways globally.
What is clear, is that emotional mistreatment or domestic abuse are unacceptable and can cause tremendous long term suffering and distress if not addressed slowly, carefully and with guidance.
In my online Programs, I gently share with women what my definition of assertiveness is, (rather than aggression), and how to discover and establish their true strength about what they think or positively feel about themselves, for, in some cases, the first time in their lives.
You see, women are not meant to suffer.
Women are not meant to endure decades of emotional or physical pain.
But sadly, through the generations, women have come to believe many false truths about their role and existence.
One main fallacy is that women are meant to suffer every month and that this suffering is ‘normal’.
Women are not meant to have painful periods or monthly cycles.
Pain with a period is not normal.
Pain in the body, in any area of the body, is the body’s way to indicate that something is wrong and it seeks your attention to correct that wrong.
Women are not supposed to be crippled by pain and/or missing several days every month in bed, doubled over with chronic abdominal cramps, clasping their friend (the hot water bottle) to their abdomen, as their insides feel like razor blades are tearing their uterus apart from the inside out.
Women are only supposed to have a 2–3 days period, that is light, clot-free, a drama-free, and a ‘non-event’ every month.
Women are supposed to have a healthy and robust immune system that is the equivalent to a strong marching army.
A mighty army that strides out every day to mop up and clean up any endometrial debris that may have migrated into the abdomen, the pouch of Douglas or on the ovaries, or fallopian tubes, or outside the uterus: as well, of course, as destroying viruses, bacteria and pathogens.
However, if the woman’s body feels under constant threat, then the woman may end up living in this ‘soup of stressful hormones’ including cortisol and adrenaline. This, in turn, means her inflammation increases further, further impairing her immune system.
An immune system that is impaired, due to the high level of chronic stress, may malfunction and even in some cases, end up attacking itself like in the case of autoimmune diseases.
Then there is the nervous system that is the regulator or preceptor of what is safe, or not safe, in the environment or world a woman lives in.
The nervous system and the immune system are like twin sisters — they are super close, like all other organ systems in the family — but these two systems are in constant communication with each other.
I am going to go a bit deeper and explain more about the biology and physiology of the brain and body in high stressful situations.
If the woman’s subconscious perceives a threat from an ‘unknown’ and unidentifiable source, like her toxic coercive partner or family member, then her body focuses all its energy back into primary survival mode.
What I mean is, if the nervous system senses or perceives a ‘threat’, from a toxic person then the nervous system sends out alarm bells from the amygdala in the brain, to ‘fight/flight/ freeze/fold’.
I may have I mentioned how the digestive system is lined with over 100 million neurons, i.e. brain cells, which the same amount a dog or cat has in its head.
The perception of this threat evokes the nervous system in turn to release various stress hormones that have cascading and damaging effects throughout all aspects of her body.
If the woman’s intestinal track signals to the brain or vice versa, via the vagus nerve that runs down the spine, about this instinctual danger, then the body defaults into essential preservation and survival mode.
What the body then focuses on is on primal protection systems and then shuts down or may restrict various organ systems that are not as important to the woman at this particular threatening time.
The woman may end up with additional diagnoses like fibromyalgia and/or chronic fatigue syndrome (like I did), yet be totally unaware that at a deep subconscious level her body is perceiving this invisible yet real threat.
It is common for many women with Endometriosis and Adenomyosis to also suffer from many digestive issues and impairments as well.
The many prescribed antibiotics, or painkillers, drugs and surgeries, cause additional untold irritation and damage in her intestinal tract.
If the woman’s body feels under attack or threatened then the body’s view is that it’s the priority to pump adrenaline and cortisol into the heart and legs to escape the perceived danger.
That danger could be an unexpected rage attack from a partner or a surprise scything verbal assault from the very person that is’ supposed’ to love them.
The woman’s body is like a carefully balanced orchestra.
All it needs is for one instrument to be playing off-key or broken or unavailable, and it knocks the whole sound off.
So I hope that by explaining some background from a physiological and biological perspective you may understand why, if you have been addressing changes to your diet and or your products and not had the progress you sought. If you have have been confused about the challenge of putting Endometriosis into remission it may be why your body remains inflamed and hormonally imbalanced, then this may be one explanation.
It’s important to remember that your current physical situation is not your fault.
You don’t know what you don’t know.
Yet, the trick is to get yourself into the know; NOW!
There may be much going on a subconscious level within your brain that is below your level of consciousness.
And this is why I had to share ‘This is Domestic Abuse’ Series with you.
Like in the jungle or animal kingdom, there are predators out there in life, and it is no different in the human world or kingdom either.
However, societal pressures, religious revelations, and suppressed conditioning whilst growing up, preach to that “we are supposed to love everyone” irrelevant of whether they mean harm to us or not.
What a load of baloney!
That conditioning I came to realise was a sure-fire way of attracting dishonest and abusive individuals who would use this nativity against us unsuspecting women, who have been worn down by other toxic people in their lives.
In the animal kingdom, this lunacy of a blanket approach, to “loving everyone”, would be classed as absurd and downright dangerous.
It is the equivalent to the small and graceful Gazelle, innocently grazing away on the open plain on grasses, eating its shoots and leaves, then lifting its head, in a relaxed fashion, and turning round to its herd saying “Hey guys, see that Lion over there? Well, don’t worry about him, just love him”.
We all know how that would turn out…
Yes, that innocent and naive Gazelle is just about to become the Lion’s next breakfast, lunch or dinner.
It is the same issues prevail in the human kingdom, albeit a little more sophisticatedly.
There are some deeply, beautiful people in the world, but contrary to some popular religious teachings, there are also some truly toxic and destructive people too that exist amongst us as well.
Some people do mean you real harm.
Some people are predatory by nature; like the Lion, or the shark, or the vulture.
It is those toxic predators and people that you need to learn about how to protect yourself from.
I heard a speaker at a conference stand on stage and forcefully stated to the audience; “You must forgive everyone!”
Yet, whilst the principle of what he was saying was well-meaning, i.e. encouraging people not to harbour negative feelings, his statement lacked depth and understanding of the truly toxic nature of dangerous people.
I believe there needs to be a further explanation of what forgiveness is or means in relation to real-life people in the human kingdom.
Going back to the Gazelle analogy; a Lion’s nature is to eat it.
If this Lion had tried to eat the Gazelle previously and failed, yet was being encouraged to forgive it, it would be irresponsible and naive of the Gazelle to “forgive the Lion”, for that would mean a lowering of the Gazelle’s guard and it’s boundaries, encouraging the ignoring of its protective instincts and make the Gazelle more susceptible to attack to any predatory Lion.
A Lion is a Lion.
Irrelevant of the Lion saying that he wasn’t a Lion or didn’t mean it his last attempt to it the Gazelle.
The Lion’s words are meaningless.
It is the actions and behaviours that reiterate and confirm the Lion’s true nature.
It is in his nature.
So, it is always the actions we must pay attention to, not the words.
If, by forgiveness, the speaker meant, to let go of trying to please, placate, influence and change a particularly difficult person, and accept them as they are, (i.e. a toxic controlling and harmful person), but establish very clear boundaries for their own protection, then, of course, I would agree with that definition of forgiveness.
However, I fear that this was not what the speaker meant.
It was a usual blanket statement that I know some people in the audience were left feeling guilty for having unpleasant and uncomfortable feelings towards a toxic person who had hurt or harmed them in the past.
Having unpleasant feelings towards a toxic person is a normal and healthy reaction to mistreatment.
And this is where the forgiveness message becomes messy.
It is easier to ‘forgive’ a toxic person from a distance after you have been able to escape the abuse and mistreatment.
It is easier to ‘forgive’ if you have had support through a kind, loving and supportive friend, family and/or a counsellor, who are aware, educated and understand the emotional abuse you have suffered through the triangulation, gaslighting and abhorrent emotional mistreatment.
Yet, sadly, very few people understand.
It takes us, women, long enough to figure it out ourselves, especially when we make endless excuses and/or feel that somehow, we deserved the mistreatment.
Real forgiveness should actually be for yourself.
Real forgiveness for yourself means ceasing to beat yourself up emotionally when you have already been beaten down subconsciously by your relentless inner critic part in your head every day.
Real forgiveness means questioning very gently as to why you allowed yourself to be so mistreated for so long and thought you were like the elephant, attached to the rope.
Real forgiveness for your perpetrators comes when you have had a chance to grieve and heal and learn how to separate your emotional entanglement to your toxic partner or family member safely.
Real forgiveness comes when you have had a chance to learn about the subconscious factors that were created when you are very young and, like a background operating system in a computer, have been directing the course of your life and relationships.
Forgiveness comes when a woman begins to understand why a part of her cries “but why do I keep being attracted to the same type of man who treats me poorly?” and another new ‘part’ can emerge from learning how to empower herself, slowly and safely and explain the background to the subconscious conditioning and continue to untangle herself.
The answers lie deep within her subconscious, and I will explain later how you can safely start to be curious about what lies deep within you — and you will be surprised about the wealth of wisdom and pot of gold that lies deep in your soul and spirit — but more on that later.
What I didn’t raise over the last two episodes was how for many women with Endometriosis and Adenomyosis, not only have they experienced abuse and mistreatment at home but often at the hands of the very medical professionals or surgeons or consultants who are supposed to support and heal them.
Sadly, it is normally by the time that women reaches out to apply to work me that they have tried the well-worn medical field pathway and have often been left feeling mistreated, adrift, lost and sicker than they expected.
I hear the same stories regularly, and they all form the same background; the woman being made to feel stupid by the doctor, or an annoyance, being questioned if they really are feeling that ill or in that much pain, being told that the doctors can’t ‘see anything’ and therefore they must be a hypochondriac, and even harassment by phone or emails to push women into getting further surgeries when the previous ones have made them sicker.
I have a story of a client who received endless calls from her consultant’s assistant to book in another surgery. Yet my client had said to him six weeks before that she wished to embark on this natural route with me first and has asked him to support her in her choice.
Yet consultant continued to harass her, via his assistant with emails, pressurising her to have more surgery, which my client declined, and his treatment intensified my client’s feelings of anxiety, as she felt threatened and scared by his bullying behaviour.
Another former client was pressurised into having surgery by her husband and consultant despite her not wanting it, and she was left feeling discarded afterwards.
These stories are just the tip of the iceberg of the mistreatment and abusive stories I hear every day.
Bullying, abuse and emotional mistreatment is widespread in many areas of society by toxic people in positions of authority, and I believe, as I mentioned last week, is an epidemic of gigantic proportions that few are even aware of.
So if you are listening to this podcast, please be reminded that your current circumstances and inability to get well is not your fault, and if you find yourself incapacitated and suffering for decades then there is another way out.
There is another pathway.
It is a new empowering pathway that helps you break free from that rope and stick that is holding you back in pain.
There may be much going on under the surface than you are aware of.
So significant and impactful empowerment and change start with focusing on yourself first.
I believe that the secret to life is balance — be it hormones, food, products, stress, fun, etc.
I believe the secret to balance is awareness.
And I believe the secret to awareness is Journalling and Meditation.
How many of us are bombarded with pings, beeps and rings every single day so that any time to sit and reflect and feel any feelings, feels an inordinate task!
And this is where awareness is key.
Small secure steps of change start with being aware of yourself first.
Awareness means just noticing and paying attention.
Notice how often you cry in a day.
Notice how often you cry in a week.
Notice who makes you cry.
Notice how many arguments are have been in the home.
Notice the common denominator and trigger.
Notice if your partner is never, ever happy and blames you for his unhappiness.
Notice if you are grinding your teeth at night and there is blood on the pillow in the morning.
Notice if you suffer from terrible tension in your shoulders and neck.
Notice if you suffer from chronic debilitating migraines that come from nowhere.
Notice if you are confused and perplexed by profound, yet punishing silences from your partner.
Notice if you feel deprived of physical closeness, hugs, kisses and gentle, tender loving care.
Notice if your partner is withholding physical attention.
Notice if you feel depressed and sad and alone.
You are not meant to suffer in this way.
This was not what you dreamed about when you were a little girl.
Sadly the fairy tales are just that — fairy tales.
There are no knights in shining armours upon the white stead that will sweep you off your feet.
I dislike being the one to burst that Hollywood bubble, but it is true.
Yet, you can become your own hero and own knight.
What you naturally seek as a woman is a secure and safe form of love.
What you naturally seek is a reliable, dependable form of love and safety and security.
And an element of understanding and an ability from your partner to want to understand you — and not just attack or ignore you.
What most women seek is to feel seen, heard and appreciated.
Which, by the way, are all normal and healthy needs.
Start to increase the awareness of what affects you, your feelings and emotions and start to give yourself all that you need and step into the early embers of empowerment.
I created The Most Common Needs form recently for my Embracing Emotions, Empathy and Energy program, and I listed over 100 different needs.
How many needs do you feel are being met for you, by yourself, right now?
I suspect very few.
If you are listening to this podcast, feel lost, alone and miserable and stuck in a relationship that is unpredictable, and unsettling to you, a relationship that makes you feel like you are on an emotional rollercoaster, then start the small ant-sized step by paying attention to our own needs first.
Relationships are not supposed to be a roller coaster of one-minute love bombing you and making you feel he is your soul mate; then ‘bang’, in a flash, he has gone emotionally distant and been replaced with a man you do not recognise, one who is unkind, avoidant and cruel.
That rollercoaster causes untold harm to the nervous system and impairs and prevents the immune system from doing its job.
This type of mistreatment or abuse is no life for any woman, especially if she has Endometriosis or Adenomyosis, as this may be the final piece in the puzzle that is hindering her natural healing process.
So what can you do if you suspect that you might be in domestic abuse or emotional mistreatment relationship or situation?
For me, it started when I saw a 30 seconds advert on TV called This is Domestic Abuse produced by the Home Office of the British Government, but I knew I had to educate myself.
I was so struck by the profound subtle, yet unpleasant treatment that had almost become commonplace for me at home, which was now being labelled as ‘abuse’ on TV.
The word ‘abuse’ felt such a loaded word for me initially and terminology that I shied away from and stayed in denial about for a while afterwards.
Martin Luther King said, “Education is the one thing that they cannot take away from you”.
Abuse isn’t always physical, remember, and if you suspect you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, then education is king.
Education is where the real empowerment comes from.
Real emotional freedom for women comes from what I refer to it as AIEIE.
‘Awareness, Information, Education, Inspiration and Empowerment’.
But let me share with you another story that may help you increase how leopards do not change their spots. Yes, leopards may try to dust over the spots with camouflage, but the spots are still there.
This is the story of the scorpion and frog.
One day a scorpion and a frog meet on the edge of a bank of a bubbling, fast-moving river.
The river was far too treacherous to cross alone, so the scorpion politely turned to the frog and asked if he would carry him across on his back.
The frog felt a little suspicious.
He asked, “How do I know I can trust you, and you won’t sting me?”
The scorpion said, “Because if I did sting you, I would die too.”
That reasoning sounded plausible and made sense to the frog, so he decided to ignore his instincts and relaxed his nerves.
So, the frog allowed the scorpion to climb aboard his back, and they both entered into the river and made their way across the fast-flowing water.
They got halfway across the stream, and the frog felt the sharp sting of the scorpion pierce directly into the middle of his back.
The frog was shocked and alarmed as he felt the onset of the scorpion’s poison move into his body, and they both started to sink.
The frog managed one final question with his last dying breath: “But why did you sting me?!” he gasped.
And the scorpion replied: “I can’t help it — it’s in my nature…”
The moral of this story is that, like the scorpion, many humans possess compulsions and characteristics that they cannot repress, even when it is in their best interest to avoid.
On the flip side, the frog is a testament to the danger of ignoring your instincts and being too trusting to someone’s true nature.
In the end, the biggest takeaway is that it’s very important to know someone at their core and make judgments based on that. It teaches us that vicious, toxic people often cannot resist hurting others even when it is not in their interests.
If you identify that your partner or family member is toxic, then recognise that this toxic person is never going to change no matter what you say or do.
That is their nature.
You know how hard it is to change yourself when you really do want to change, yet these toxic people have no desire to change.
That is their nature like the other predatory species in the world.
If you can learn this now you will be far quicker than me in breaking the rope and chains that kept me tied way longer than was healthy.
So if this podcast is increasing your awareness to any form of mistreatment be it from a bullying boss, a foul family member or friend, or indeed, maybe your partner or husband, I reiterate that these people are poisonous, so proceed slowly, as slow is fast.
How do you run away from a brown grizzly bear?
Well, according to the experts, you don’t.
What you do if you encounter a bear is you walk away, very, very slowly and very, very carefully, so as not to alert them to what your intentions are.
The reason for this is their foul behaviour may have instigated from trauma bonding which takes time and awareness to untangle yourself from (like the elephant and rope story).
Toxic people like to emotionally harm and inflict pain upon their prey.
Chances are if you are listening to my podcasts and have Endometriosis and Adenomyosis, you are probably a lovely, kind, big-hearted woman who loves to keep everyone happy, so when the toxic person starts to realise that you are not accepting of their behaviour any more, they may escalate their foul behaviour, games and tactics to start with, and/or love bomb you temporarily again to increase the strength of the trauma bond.
So be aware.
Get informed and educated.
Watch the actions of your partner or friends or family for they speak much louder than any words.
Words are cheap.
Record everything from foul behaviour, the tears, the triggers, the drama, the gaslighting, the cognitive dissonance; be it on audio or written but keep this documenting to yourself.
You are building up evidence for yourself, to reassure that part of you that does not want to truly believe that toxic person is toxic and wears a mask.
I listened to an interview between the actress Jada Pinkett Smith (Will Smith’s wife) and Demi Moore and their daughters recently on the Red Table Talk series.
It was an honest, candid and open conversation that covered their own personal journeys, but in particular, they opened up about their lack of self-worth and lack of value.
Here were woman, who by all accounts and purposes in society, are successful by Hollywood standards, yet despite their fame, wealth and material trappings, they talked about battling alcoholism, anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and of feeling small and worthless.
It was astounding to hear.
Our cultures encourage us to see this allure and the golden chalice of fame and success and status through being on TV, film or having an abundance of material goods to be loved and happy.
Marketers promise untold happiness, joy and eternal celebration, if we can just get that car, or that house or that material item.
Yet I know from my own journey when I had the fabulous car, and the beautiful home in the nicest area, and jewellery and trappings that none of that made me happy.
The toxic people around me would use those as bait to control me.
I would come to learn to let go of people, places and things.
All the external claptrap and nonsense that is projected upon us by adverts and glossy magazines.
I would come to learn that it would be the sight of my children, in the rearview mirror of my car and seeing their beautiful, brown eyes, sparkling and twinkling back at me, and hearing their laughter, that brought me more joy at that moment than any external items.
Or the sight of a new leaf or flower emerging from a plant that I had brought back to life, or the first signs of spring and the promise it brought, would bring me that fleeting feeling of simple pleasure.
Or learning to paint oil on canvas, purchasing a small speaker and dancing around my kitchen to great soul music, and deep, meaningful yet purposeful conversations with friends and family that would bring me the greater connectedness and joy that any external material success would not bring.
Connection and knowingness about self, “warts and all” as they say, made me joyful.
Learning to like myself then love me in a simple healthy way along with establishing clear and protective boundaries from toxic people was true empowerment for me.
Then sharing what I learned to help other women break free from their ropes and sticks that held them — that was the greatest joy of all.
I was humbled to hear the naked honesty about their journeys and feelings of those six Hollywood women around the Red Table.
One comment struck me most was when Demi Moore’s daughter said: “I knew my mother loved me, but it was because she didn’t love herself, I felt ‘well, how can I love myself if she doesn’t even love herself.”
It occurred to me that this is a common issue that comes down many generations of women, from mother to daughter and down.
It is more common than we realise that there are these ancestral lines of women in suffering, anxiety and misery.
Women isolated and left feeling lost and alone and in deep emotional pain.
So not only do you release yourself from suffering when you step onto a new pathway, but you end your daughter and granddaughters and great-granddaughters suffering too.
What was not discussed around that Red Table Talk was the emotional mistreatment of women at the hands of men?
And let’s be clear, I am not here to bash all men — far from it.
Some men are more confused now than ever at the hands of toxic fathers and bosses as well.
I have a very handsome son, who is a grown man, yet he had his own experience of suffering too. He was lucky to have safe, nurturing support and did the counselling and psychological work on himself to be who he is today. When he was young, he asked me the question — “Mum do you think I might have turned out toxic and subconsciously emotionally mistreating women if I hadn’t had this awareness or done this work early on?”
We will never know because I recognised the importance of his education and empowerment to connect to his own power was required.
What I do know is the figures of the Office of National Statistics which state that some 80% of suicides are by men, who were unlucky to have the support and perhaps unable to escape abuse and mistreatment in the home.
So this podcast about empowerment is what it means to start to take the first step.
Explain what small, safe and secure steps you can take to explore yourself in your relationships, especially, if you suspect that your partner may be mistreating you or not giving you the respect you deserve.
Firstly, to reassure yourself that we are not talking about selfishness or self-centeredness.
Women with Endometriosis could never be classed as selfish.
Their challenge remains to learn how to put themselves first and take personal care of themselves.
There are many types of empowerment — physical, financial and emotional — and we start with emotional.
What I mean by emotional empowerment is paying attention to your thoughts, feelings and emotions to start with, as mentioned above.
What is important is recognising that you are just as important as anyone else and you have the right to have your seat at the table of life.
What I took from Red Table Talk was that even these amazingly successful and glamorous women sometimes wanted to keep themselves small and hide.
So clearly this is a deep societal issue that movements like Me2 have started to challenge especially within the realms of sexual harassment and intimidation.
Your value is something you can start to measure.
Ultimately what I encourage with the women I work with, is to develop and imagine a new compassionate internal ‘part’ of self, that I refer to as an internal parent voice in your head.
That internal parent is a new voice that offers kind, reassuring and compassionate words of encouragement and support to yourself.
Rather than allowing that internal harsh critic part to dominate your thoughts, start to recognise that your critic is just trying to protect you and keep you safe from harm or mistakes that could cause a backlash from a toxic person.
So the first step to empowering yourself is to start to journal.
Let the ink from a pen mark the paper of a journal regularly and allow the download and escape of thoughts and feelings from your head.
Notice the harshness of your own judgment and words and slowly over a period of time, learn to be more kind and compassionate.
The very act of writing every morning will slowly start to open up and connect you to your instincts, and as I mentioned above will allow you to tap into this wealth of genius that lies within yourself and your untold inner wisdom.
Many studies from Harvard to Cambridge Universities will testify to the positive effects writing can bring from awareness to physical and emotional health.
Writing allows you that first step to empowerment by connecting to yourself in a new way.
Rather than the harshness of your internal dialogue learn to notice the impact of small kinds words and statements to yourself, inside your head and how they come to help to release with the pressure and noise in there.
Your own energy is like a beacon of light attracting all sorts of predators, so your energy and emotional health needs a filter, like a face mask filters out the germs, bacteria and viruses.
Equally, emotional protection is like in a house has a front door to protect and prevent those intruders coming into your home, with a gate or a fence that acts as a further boundary, along with an intruder alarm, sensor and cameras to monitor your grounds or external area.
This is what you seek in your own life by way of emotional protection and empowerment.
Imagine the protective rings of security for yourself from poisonous people like the rings of a tree.
If you were to cut a tree down, you would see at the centre of the trunk the rings of its growth throughout the years.
Imagine in the centre of the tree is you, with the next ring being your most trusted safe family member, and/or your partner and or husband and your children.
The next ring out maybe a close friend or extended family member, and the next ring out might be work colleagues and so forth.
Your responsibility is to protect yourself, mind, body, spirit and soul.
Continue to pay attention to your body for it is always trying to communicate to you who is safe and who is not.
Your thoughts are the language of your brain and your feelings are the language of your body.
Your emotions are messengers telling you a story and the best way to interpret that story is by allowing a safe download onto paper every single day.
This simple yet powerful process allows you, over time, to make sense and gain clarity of any pressure, noise, chaos or drama that is happening in your life.
Any true extent of drama and mistreatment in relationships is normally evident by the number of tears that are shed in a day or a week or a month.
A woman is not supposed to spend her days crying 2 to 3 times every day but if you find yourself crying a lot then write down the person, the trigger and the feeling associated with the tears and use those tears to water the soil of those new seeds that have been planted.
Use your journal to record your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, anxieties and upsets. Become awake and alert to your feelings and emotions for they are messengers.
It is essential to reiterate the importance of keeping any written journal private and under lock and key, and safely away from toxic prying eyes.
If a partner or a friend or a colleague enquires and starts to show interest about what you are writing about, then to deflect them I suggest you say you are just recording your physical symptoms.
That is normally a good deterrent from the nosy parkers.
Your emotions are messengers, and the very act of increasing awareness is half the battle to evoking change and empowerment.
We all seek change and fear change in equal measure.
On my journey, I was truly terrified at every step.
My upbringing had done a good job of reinforcing the rope to the stick.
I also feared to step out into that change and to know what that would mean.
Yet, there was something deeper in me that knew I had a calling.
I recognised my desires, my yearnings and my pangs of pain to escape the clutches of the suppression and poisonous playmates I had.
And you know as well that deep down you have that calling too.
To forge change, we have to be that change.
We have far more power than we realise, yet it is essential to recognise that we are powerless over other people, places and things.
We are all so powerful over ourselves, yet many in society would have us believe that we should be meek, mild-mannered, a good girl and “sit quietly in the shadows with a pink ribbon in her hair and/or be barefoot and pregnant and chained to the kitchen sink.
My mother and grandmother missed out on the opportunities that are available to us now as women, by about 20 years and now we women have so many opportunities and access to empowering information and education to help inspire us and empower us.
The empowerment begins by paying attention by increasing your awareness to your body and slowly but surely connecting to your own instincts by learning the messages of your emotions and feelings and your body.
How do you escape a toxic and abusive relationship?
How do you escape out of a snake pit — you back out slowly, one step at a time.
Very, very, very slowly.
Toxic people have quite a bite.
If you think of the snake-pit, you’re in one like one in the Indiana Jones film, “Raiders of the Lost Ark”. Indiana Jones has to back out of the snake pit very, very slowly waving his torch and keep his eyes vigilant to where the snakes might come from next.
You may have many snakes in your midst.
If you find or recognise that you are in a toxic and poisonous relationship, start by journaling about it and seek to back out very, very slowly, so you don’t get bitten.
Empowerment isn’t just a physical act or statement (and more on that later), but it is an emotional one.
Using another analogy if you were to plant a seed in good nutritious soil with sun and water, it will grow. It takes time for roots to take hold and then produce fragile green shoots that come up through the soil.
Over many years that small seed will grow into a strong, secure solid oak tree with roots that will spread out far and wide.
That tree will continue to grow into a strong, tall majestic oak tree that will withstand all storms, rain and winds.
This oak tree will pull in the best from life through its nutrients further strengthening its trunk and core, which in turn will produce the best fruit and leaves on the branches of the tree.
To plant that seed for you ensure you put pen to paper every morning and notice the commonalities of emotions and feelings that arise within and try to do this without judgement — just notice what comes up.
You deserve a life free of pain and suffering you are not meant to suffer.
Life may have been full of suffering up until this point and elements of your body are screaming at you and causing pain and symptoms to get your attention whether it be any one of the five poisons and or a combination of them.
It starts with one tiny small step at a time and note I say a ‘small ant-sized step’ because if you do realise you are in a toxic relationship and have been repeated over many years, it is hard for certain parts of your psyche to make sense and to unravel the past.
Start by just noticing.
Start by just paying attention.
Start by watching and observing every single one of your emotions, even those emotions that you view as unpleasant.
Even the emotions that society says you’re not allowed to have.
In particular, pay attention to anxiety, fear and anger for they are the strongest and the deepest of emotions that carry so much insight and wisdom.
When you are compassionate to those unpleasant emotions and allow curiosity to develop for them.
Become curious of the who and what is around you when you feel stressed, tense, tired or emotional.
Become curious of the who and what is around you when you are finding yourself crying again and feeling depressed and anxious.
How do you feel when you’re around particular people, places or things?
Start to put the pieces of your jigsaw puzzle together and recognise at the core that it’s not your fault that you are in the situation today; it is because a lot of subconscious conditioning from early years has created these environments and relationships.
However, you now have the responsibility and the embers of power to start to make real and lasting changes that need to be made to release you from the chains of suffering.
Learn the art of assertiveness, (which is different from aggression).
Learn how to be assertive by connecting to your inner voice and wisdom.
Your instincts are much stronger than you realise and as I mentioned earlier, your intestinal tract is lined with over 100 million neurons, so your insides are constantly trying to communicate to you — hence the phrase ‘listen to your gut instincts’.
You are much more powerful than anyone permitted you to know.
Empowerment starts from the inside out.
Empowerment starts by realising the pressure cooker of thoughts and feelings need a release.
Give them a way out to connect you to your heart and soul, for they are yearning for you to listen.
Explore what is going on inside your body and brain by putting ink on paper every single day.
This is why I created the impactful and supportive 21 Day Challenge.
The next 21-day challenge starts on Monday, and if you have identified with anything I have shared so far over the past few weeks, then I encourage you to join.
I will lovingly, kindly and safely challenge you to start this new empowering journey to connect to your inner self.
And don’t worry, this is no ‘woo woo’ stuff.
This science-based and practical based guidance and tools to help gently guide you to start this small journey of stepping into the beautiful you that lies within.
I especially created this 21-day challenge to challenge women to pay attention to their thoughts, feelings and emotions for 21 days straight and learn how to put themselves first.
Help women to safely pay attention through journaling and relaxation secrets to shed light on their relationships and their life.
It has been said it takes 21 days to change a habit.
Well, this 21 Day challenge will change your habit of beating yourself up and introduce you to simple secrets of how to process uncomfortable thoughts and feelings and beliefs, and come to notice the joy the peace and tranquillity, and connect to the enlightenment that lies within you.
I will share with you the secrets of how to retrain your brain to manage your mind and your thoughts, so you don’t feel overwhelmed or like you are unable to cope anymore.
You will start to learn how to take practical, purposeful and pragmatic steps to empowerment by embracing your feelings and emotions, reduce anxiety and start that all-important empowerment process and pathway to a life that you are destined to live.
A life that is supposed to be pain-free, symptom-free and stepping into your own light and realising and recognising your full potential in this world.
So I will share with you one final story;
As a group of frogs were travelling through the woods one day, two frogs called Fred and Frank slipped and fell into a deep, dark, muddy pit.
Upon hearing the screams as they fell, the other frogs in the group stopped, crowded around the top of the pit and peered down to see them clambering and desperately holding on to a thin ledge.
Some members of the group realised how slippery and deep the pit was so they shouted down to Fred and Frank that they were too far down, it was too deep and that they would never make it back up.
The group of frogs kept yelling down with great consternation and told the two frogs that there was no hope left for them.
However, the two frogs who were down there in the pit conferred with each other and concluded they had no choice but to try.
So Fred and Frank both determined that they had to get out so decided to ignore what the others were saying and proceeded to try and jump out of the pit.
The two frogs huffed, puffed and groaned and exerted all their energies to try and jump as high as they could to escape.
Despite their efforts, the group of frogs at the top of the pit were still declaring to them that they should just give up.
The group of frogs were still saying that they would never make it out of the pit.
Eventually, one of the frogs, Frank, felt somewhat defeated and allowed the negative words of the group to penetrate deep into his head.
He listened to what the others were saying and decided they were right, and he would give up.
Poor Frank let go and plummeted further down the darkness of the pit.
Fred was alarmed and sad to witness Frank disappear, but it made him more determined to get out of this situation.
He continued to jump as hard as he could.
Again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just give up.
But Fred eventually managed to jump up even higher and finally made it out of the pit to his utter delight.
When he got out, Fred had expected his group to turn round and celebrate with him.
He had expected them to be happy for him.
Yet all the other frogs could say was; “Did you not hear us?”
Fred explained he had a partial hearing problem in one ear and couldn’t make out what they had been saying.
Fred, as it turned out, had thought the group were encouraging him upwards the entire time, but they weren’t.
The moral of this story here is that words do affect us; despite that aged old saying ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but words they cannot hurt me’.
Words do impact us, do encourage us, especially when they come from someone who is supposed to be our safe, loving partner or a safe ‘believing mirror’.
People’s words can have a big effect on our lives and where we direct our energies.
So be mindful about what words you hear from others.
Notice how they impact your body and feelings.
Notice the toxic people who you interact with and their words.
Ask yourself regularly if the people you keep the company of are energy-giving, encouraging and uplifting or are they discouraging, demeaning derogatory and destructive like the group of frogs.
So chose your company carefully.
Some nasty naysayers may well be a lot more closer to you than you realise if they are close family, friends and work colleagues.
So ensure to use your new awareness, to good effect as it might just be the difference between life and death.
Become partially deaf to those toxic people as you start to separate and empower yourself.
Sharpen your hearing and open your ears, mind and spirit to those safe people who will lift you up and encourage you, just like this magnificent growing group of women in the EndoBoss® community.
We are a family of women who has overcome and succeeded in freeing ourselves from the abuse or emotional mistreatment — and learned how to put their Endometriosis, Adenomyosis, Cysts and Fibroids into remission naturally.
Join us on the next 21 Day Challenge where you will see first hand for yourself and learn how to reduce anxiety, depression and embrace emotions and feelings in a new healthy, freeing way.
Go to https://EndoBoss.com/Challenge and join now and take that leap of faith!
And finally, I leave you with an old, yet very wise Chinese proverb:-
“Many a false step was made by standing still.”
So take that first step into positive action now, and we look forward to meeting you!
“Be your own boss” — an EndoBoss®
To your health!
Wendy K Laidlaw